Category: Humor

This is inspired by Jennifer Cohen over at Forbes who wrote a wonderful article on “5 Things Super Successful People Do Before 8am” (few of which I do, though I can claim #5). She includes chores like exercise, eat a healthy breakfast, map out the day–all great ideas, but not pithy enough for the average teacher I know.

Here’s my list of what the average teacher accomplishes before her first class of children crosses the threshold of her domain. These are gathered from chatting with friends and efriends on how they start their days:

1. Research the answers to sixteen ‘why’ questions students asked during yesterday’s classes.
2. Figure out how to run that dang iPad app students want to use.
3. Wash Superman (or woman) cape.
4. Close eyes for three seconds to invoke the memory of Emma [replace ‘Emma’ with the name of the Poster Child for why you’re a teacher].
5. Accomplish the equivalent of stuffing twenty people in a phone booth–which means find son/daughter’s lost iPad which must be brought to school every day, get kids off to school with packed lunches and completed homework, arrange household repairs, sort dog and husband/wife, talk significant other down from an emotional cliff, and figure out how to make coffee by pouring hot water through yesterday’s grounds (oops–forgot to buy coffee).
6. Eat breakfast–real food, not leftovers or peanut butter from sandwiches.
7. Move what wasn’t accomplished yesterday to today’s To Do list, which is most everything.
8. Promise that today, unlike yesterday and the day before, and the day before that, you won’t say D*** five times before the first class arrives. Set a goal of only four times.
9. Do emergency morning yard duty instead of the project set up you’d planned to do this morning—and the reason you came in early.
10. While doing emergency morning yard duty, imitate someone being patient rather than someone chewing on their last nerve.
11. Keep an open mind to all nature of miracles, no matter the shape or size.
12. Answer parent email and voicemail from the prior day because you promised the Principal you would–again.
13. Paste on your Reasonable face when a parent drops in for an impromptu conference, shoehorned in after s/he dropped off her/his child and before the 8am start-of-day. Stow the one that says, ‘Leave me alone’.
14. Take a nap, especially if you’ve been up most of the night grading papers or preparing lesson plans.
15. Smile at the parent who always talks with that irritating tone reserved for women they consider delicate.
16. Solve the education problems of the world.
17. As Paul Harvey said in Broadcast, “In times like these, it is good to remember that there have always been times like these”.
18. Remember that–as Edwin Louis Cole once said, you don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.

(more…)

I heard from several friends at a non-denominational school I’m close to that rules regarding prayer in the classroom have changed. Now, teachers may not have the morning prayer that has started their day for over twenty years. Times change and Admin decided that was no longer the direction the school was going. They continue to have organized fellowship–just not under the direction of an individual teacher, in his/her classroom.

Serendipity brought the following to my inbox. Thought I’d share:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.

‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

(more…)

If you liked the last Humor that Inspires (Part 1 and Part 2), here are more to kick-start your day:

1. “A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.”
   – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
2. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”
   – John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
3. “Logic is in the eye of the logician.”
   – Gloria Steinem
4. “No one can earn a million dollars honestly.”
   – William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
5. “Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”
   – Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
6. “Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.”
   – Martin Fraquhar Tupper
7. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.”
   – Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
8. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
   – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
9. (more…)

If you teach technology, it’s likely you’re a geek. Even if you didn’t start out that way–say, you used to be a first grade teacher and suddenly your Admin in their infinite wisdom, moved you to the tech lab–you became a geek. You morphed into the go-to person for tech problems, computer quirks, crashes, and freezes.

Overnight, your colleagues assumed you received an upload of data that allowed you to Know the answers to their every techie question. It didn’t matter that yesterday, you were one of them. Now, you are on a pedestal, their necks craned upward as they ask you, How do I get the Smartscreen to work? or We need the microphones working for a lesson I’m starting in three minutes. Can you please-please-please fix them?

Celebrate your cheeky geekiness. Flaunt it for students and colleagues. Play Minecraft. That’s you now–you are sharp, quick-thinking. You tingle when you see an iPad. You wear a flash drive like jewelry. The first thing you do when you get to school is check your email

(more…)

If you liked the last Humor that Inspires (Part 1 and Part 2), here are more to kick-start your day:

1. “A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.”
   – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
2. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”
   – John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
3. “Logic is in the eye of the logician.”
   – Gloria Steinem
4. “No one can earn a million dollars honestly.”
   – William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)
5. “Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”
   – Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
6. “Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.”
   – Martin Fraquhar Tupper
7. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.”
   – Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
8. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
   – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
9. (more…)

Thanks to Julia Hayden for this lovely list:

• • You look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that typeface.”

• • You get sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalgic feelings when thinking about your long-lost old Commodore 64, Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80 (or other hardware), and use large amounts of money/time trying to track one down.
  • You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made of steel.
  • You realize you never cook, eating only take-away pizza.
  • You seriously consider devoting a web page to your computer. (Not the brand, mind you, but the actual computer itself)
  • You get depressed when you get less than 10 e-mail messages a day.

• • You plan to get two Masters degrees.

(more…)

If you liked the last Humor that Inspires, here are more to kick-start your day:

1. “It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
2. “If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.” – Mario Andretti
3. “I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.” – Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.
4. “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” – Henry Ford (1863-1947)
5. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” – Warren Zevon
6. “There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.” – Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
7. “If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
8. “The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.” – Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
9. “Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.” – Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
10. “Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it” – Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
11. “While we are postponing, life speeds by.” – Seneca (3BC – 65AD)
12. “Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?” – Bumper Sticker
13. “God, please save me from your followers!” – Bumper Sticker
14. “Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.” – the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
15. “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” – Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
16. “Luck is the residue of design.” – Branch Rickey – former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team
17. “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.” – Mel Brooks
18. (more…)

Inquiring minds don’t always need a purpose. Fun is often inspiration enough. Check out this clever rendition of Google Search:

(more…)

If you liked the last Humor that Inspires, here are more to kick-start your day:

1. “It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
2. “If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.” – Mario Andretti
3. “I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.” – Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.
4. “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” – Henry Ford (1863-1947)
5. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” – Warren Zevon
6. “There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.” – Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
7. “If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
8. “The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.” – Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
9. “Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.” – Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
10. “Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it” – Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
11. “While we are postponing, life speeds by.” – Seneca (3BC – 65AD)
12. “Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?” – Bumper Sticker
13. “God, please save me from your followers!” – Bumper Sticker
14. “Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.” – the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
15. “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” – Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
16. “Luck is the residue of design.” – Branch Rickey – former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team
17. “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.” – Mel Brooks
18. (more…)

Some great quotes to start your week with a touch of humor:

1. “Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.” – H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
2. “Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” – Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
3. “Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.” – Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)
4. “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
5. “His ignorance is encyclopedic” – Abba Eban (1915-2002)
6. “If a man does his best, what else is there?” – General George S. Patton (1885-1945)
7. “I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.” – A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
8. “People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.” – Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
9. “Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine (354-430)
10. “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
11. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
12. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
13. “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” – Galileo Galilei
14. “The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.” – Emile Zola (1840-1902)
15. “This book fills a much-needed gap.” – Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review
16. (more…)